We all know that different women want different things. Different strokes for different folks. Yet there are certain things most women desire in sexual connections which will greatly help their partners to know.
I’ll start by suggesting the possibility that many women are conflicted about what they really want, and some aren’t even aware of this. There is a contradiction in many women that few men are aware of. I’m making big generalizations here, yet generalizations often hold true for many in the group about which they are made.
One time at a fun camp I used to go to every year, I did something very unusual to learn more about women. As someone who takes great joy in observing and playing with human behavior, I had long ago noticed that many women put out mixed signals sexually to men. If a woman sees a man she is attracted to, she will flirt in subtle or overt ways to draw the man in. Yet when the man shows desire and moves in, the woman will often turn away or shut down, leaving the man bewildered. It’s like as long as the man stays somewhat distant, she shows desire, but once he gets too close, the message is to back off.
So at this camp, I bolstered my courage and surveyed women who were both friends and strangers about this. Focusing on what might tap into the root of the conflict, I asked if they would be willing to reveal their deepest sexual fantasy. I was thrilled in response that after a moment of hesitation and a look of ‘who are you to ask me such a thing?’, almost every woman before long became excited to talk about their fantasy.
What I found is that most of these women’s sexual fantasy was to be “taken” by a real man, a man full of confidence and charisma, a man who knows exactly what he wants. When I then asked for more detail, they described something that I couldn’t help but thinking sounded like domination. A talk, dark, and handsome hunk grabs her and sweeps her off her feet while exuding intense desire and passion. Without asking and knowing exactly what this woman really wants and needs, he throws her down, ravishes her wildly desiring body, and penetrates her sexually to the very depths of her being.
Several women I interviewed even admitted that a full on rape was their deepest, hidden fantasy, though they acknowledged they were embarrassed to even say this.
Yet what I saw there at this camp and have seen many times in my life is that if a real tall, dark, and handsome were to suddenly show up in one of these women’s lives, and if he really did sweep them off their feet, most women would quickly become scared and shut down. They wouldn’t feel safe and would suspect that this man wanted them for only for sex, only for their body, and that he would likely leave them once the deed was done to go look for the next conquest. So this deepest fantasy of many women remains just that – a fantasy – and not something they would welcome in reality.
So where does this leave us? Many men are frustrated because they sense women want them to be strong and passionate, yet when they act on this, women often shut down. Women, in turn, are frustrated, believing that no man will ever fulfill their deepest desire to be taken by a powerful, passionate man, to be taken by a knight in shining armor who will then live with them happily ever after.
On the other hand, when asked for what they are looking for in a life partner, most women say they want a man who is sensitive to their needs, who can be warm, kind, loving and compassionate – almost the opposite of the rugged individualist of their sexual fantasies. They want a lover who will listen to them and love every part of them unconditionally.
Yet young people now have a term for men who fit this description – a SNAG, a Sensitive New Age Guy. These guys are great to have as friends, but lack the passion most women desire in bed. So if a man desiring intimate contact approaches with caring and sensitivity, the woman might be attracted to the man as a potential mate, but often she is not turned on sexually.
Notice that the man of many women’s fantasies is very masculine – the rugged individualist full of passion and out to conquer the world. Yet the loving, sensitive man they want in a life partner is much more feminine.
Most (not all) women want a life partner with feminine qualities of lots of heart and emotions, yet sexually, they want to be desired with intense passion and even dominated by a real masculine man who they trust enough to surrender their body. This is the deep conflict of which many men and women are not aware.
If a man is aware of this potential contradiction between what a woman wants in a life partner and what she wants sexually, and if he can find a healthy balance in playing both the masculine and feminine rolls, he will likely find women much more interested in exploring with him.
Remember that not all women fit this generalization. Some like their man to be very masculine all the time, while others prefer their lover to be mostly soft and nurturing when connecting sexually. And many like the variety of playing with both masculine and feminine energies even in bed.
That said, very few women want an uber masculine man who, as one woman friend put it, “devolves into a freight train of rapid ejaculation turning into spent interest.” Most tend to be excited by a man who embraces his masculinity, yet who also can express feminine qualities of patience and presence as he gets to know her.
As many women have been wounded sexually by men who can’t or won’t control themselves, women tend to be much more cautious than men about moving into sexuality. Yet when they are with a lover who is willing to dance with them and who they can fully trust to stay conscious even when the hormones are raging, most women are thrilled to be able to surrender and give free rein to sexual desire.
When a man embraces his masculinity and expresses clear interest, yet also embraces his femininity by putting no pressure on a woman to be sexual, this gives her the freedom to dance in and out until she feels safe and trusts him enough to invite and eventually surrender to his more dominating masculine passion.
If a woman is aware of these contradictions in herself, she can better express her needs and desires with her partner or a potential lover. A man, whether it is in a new relationship or in a long-term marriage, would do well to invite his partner to talk about these conflicting aspects. He can even ask his partner to let him know when she is wanting him to be more soft in his approach and when she is ready and desiring to fully surrender to his beautiful masculine side.
So deep down what most (again not all) women really want is a man who has the ability to step into both his masculine and his feminine aspects. She wants a lover who can be soft, caring, and understanding of her feelings when she needs that. Yet she also wants one who – only when she’s ready for it – can step fully into his masculine nature and flood her with welcome desire and passion. She wants a whole man who values and expresses both his masculine and his feminine nature.
So maybe it’s time to bring all of these desires out of the closet and get real with each other. What if we have the courage to ask each other about our deepest sexual fantasies, knowing that they might not be fulfilled. What if we talk openly about the contradictions within ourselves and each other in what we want in a lover? This conversation can help us to learn more about ourselves. It can help us explore together what we really want, acknowledging both the hidden fantasies we have and the reality of who we are.
By talking with our partners and potential partners about our deepest desires and even the contradictions within ourselves, we can develop trust and find out what would be exciting for both partners. We can explore together ways we can satisfy both of us that include both feminine caring and sensitivity and masculine drive and passion.
With trust and open communication, we can even find ways to play out primal fantasies that are both fun and deeply satisfying. If they reach a deep level of trust and intimacy, a couple might even explore role-playing their deepest fantasies in a way that feels safe and exciting to both. There is a saying used in tantra communities that is appropriate here. When it comes to sexuality, communication is lubrication.
And here’s a last important tip for men. The vast majority of women have insecurities about their looks and so love to be praised for their beauty. But don’t do it if it’s not authentic. If you are not particularly attracted to her hips or her nose, focus on praising her beautiful eyes, her luscious lips, or whatever parts do turn you on.
That said, beware of praising her beauty too much, as you run the risk of her believing that you only want her for her body. Make sure to balance your praise of her beauty with gratitude for her personality, her caring, and whatever other non-physical aspects that you appreciate. Don’t hide your attraction to her body, yet balance it with your desire to dance with her heart and soul.
Praise and gratitude – when authentic and used appropriately – go a long way in building fun, sexy, and loving relationships.
- No matter what your gender, explore how you might develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself. Notice how playing with this can add fun depth and joy to your relationship.
- Interview your women friends about the kind of person they want to be in relationship with. If you gain their trust, ask about their sexual fantasies.
- If you are a man, examine what it is you really want in relationship. What is it you really want both sexually and in a committed partnership? Are there any contradictions in yourself around this. It’s OK and even healthy to admit it.
- If you are a woman, notice which parts of the above resonate with you and which don’t. What are your hidden desires? Can you have the courage to share some of these with your partner or potential partners? You might be surprised at the exciting conversations that arise. This can totally transform your sexual connection in a most awesome way.
- Explore great books delving into this topic, such as No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A Glover, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray, and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.
- Call a few men and women friends together to talk about these things. You will almost certainly have a lively discussion!
Written by the founder of this website