OK. We all know what men really want when it comes to sexuality. They want sex!
Most men, if they truly allowed their instincts and hormones free reign, would be having lots of sex. This is natural, as it feels absolutely awesome to make love to a desiring woman (or man if that is his persuasion). For the vast majority of men, the ecstasy reached in the midst of a sexual orgasm is impossible to beat. Heaven on Earth!
But is that all men want? Though there are a few guys who make a sport of getting it on with as many women as they can, the vast majority of men want more than just a woman’s body. They want a caring partner who honors and values them. Most men would love to be in a rich relationship with a woman who not only loves sex, but who can nurture them and be cheerleaders for them in their lives and in their work in the world.
The wrench in all of this is that magical substance called TESTOSTERONE! When testosterone surges through a man’s veins, his rational mind shuts down and he can turn into a beast in heat whose primal drive is nothing more than to plunge into a woman’s sex.
Though a man in normal conversation might talk calmly about the qualities he really wants in a woman, when this powerful hormone kicks into full gear, sex becomes number one priority. If women not only understand this, but have compassion about it, they are much more likely to find balance in their relationships.
[Special note: We all have masculine and feminine aspects to ourselves. Some men have a much stronger feminine side than masculine, and some women are much more masculine in nature. Please take all that is written here as generalizations or archetypes which may vary greatly from person to person.]
Whether a guy is single or in relationship, testosterone can get a guy in lots of trouble. When in relationship, a guy might get slapped when his attention is distracted by a beautiful woman and his partner notices this. For single guys, testosterone can shut down that caring part inside them. It focuses their thoughts on getting as far as they can with their partner. So a guy might wake up after having sex regretting how he pushed passed a woman’s boundaries and lost the opportunity for a deeper connection.
Most women have no idea what it feels like to have the testosterone raging. One woman who is an MD for health reasons had to take a few shots of testosterone. She was stunned at how it affected her. She said she felt like she wanted to jump on almost anything that looked at all like a penis. She come out of this feeling incredible compassion for how men have to control this monumental urge when the testosterone surges.
The key for women is not to shame or reject their partners when this hormone takes over. When a woman senses the testosterone surging in her partner, she can have compassion, even if she isn’t feeling horny herself. If she’s truly not in the mood, she can honor his desire by acknowledging it and ideally offer a possibility for playing with that desire at a later time. If she’s needing time to get warmed up, she might express that and suggest what would help to turn her on.
Her calming words can help to reawaken the thinking mind and caring heart which is always there in her man, even when it might not be apparent. And when she’s warmed up and fully in the mood, she may very much welcome the man’s desiring beast, allowing the two to surrender to that incredible carnal pleasure.
The key for men is remember that when the testosterone is surging, the thinking mind naturally tends to shut down. If a man can cultivate his ability to keep his conscious, caring self present even when he is horny, his partner will likely be much more open and responsive.
This may take some will power to develop, but in the long run it’s worth it. If a man can cultivate the ability to stay fully present with his partner even when his body is driving towards sex, he will have achieved the status of what some call a “superior man.” This can greatly help him to get the kind of partner and relationship he has always wanted.
Another vital aspect of men for women to understand is that most men highly value quality alone time, particularly when they are under stress. When most women get stressed or triggered, they have a need to feel their partner’s presence and to talk through things with him. Yet when most men get triggered, they have a need to go into their cave and be alone. The needs here are directly opposite between the sexes.
This contradiction is the cause of great problems in many relationships. Some women blow up when their partner walks out on them in the middle of an intense argument. And some men blow up, or at least fume with quiet anger and resentment, when they are not given the space they need.
What can make all the difference here is patience and understanding on both sides. If both the man and woman in a relationship understand each other’s conflicting needs, they can find ways to gracefully deal with their triggers when they arise. The woman can stop herself from demanding his attention when she’s triggered. Ideally she can find other outlets for her need to process, like talking to a girlfriend or writing in a journal to allow her man some alone time. She can find ways to respect both her own needs and that of her partner.
The man can do his best to at least acknowledge to his partner that she is in stress and verbalize as much as possible what he sees happening. He can tell her how much capacity he has to listen at that moment and also mention that he will soon need some alone time to deal with the situation.
Simply being aware of these conflicting needs can make it much easier to find a middle way that works for both partners. If both recognize and honor their conflicting needs and do their best to meet their own needs while respecting those of their partner, harmony is much more likely to grace your relationship.
Another key tip on what men really want involves how they like to be appreciated. Most men want to be praised and valued for what they do. Where women tend to most value being praised and loved for who they are and how they look, for most men, their work in the world and what they do to support their family and friends is of highest priority. So when a woman recognizes and appreciates her man for this, it quenches a deep thirst for him.
Men also want to be helpful and to fix things. So when a woman invites him do this, he feels proud and good about himself. Yet men should be careful about trying to fix their partner. This can really upset a women. What most women really want is to be listened to and validated, not fixed.
If both partners understand all of the differences mentioned here and choose to respect and honor them, they are much more likely to find long-lasting love, joy, and passion in their relationship. Consider talking to your partner and friends about these matters and enjoy the engaging discussions that ensue.
- Testosterone can shut down a man’s rational mind and drive him towards sex. Compassion can go a long way here.
- When women are stressed or triggered, they feel a need to talk and process.
- When men are upset, the feel a need to escape into their cave. Being aware of these difference can make it easier to surf the big waves.
- Men like to be appreciated for what they do.
- Men like to fix things. Let him know you appreciate it when he fixes things for you.
Written by the founder of this website