A number of years ago, I found myself pondering why it was that sexuality for years had been so confusing and difficult to understand in my life. I had been through three very enjoyable, long-term relationships, yet all three ended in high drama where I found myself being rejected and blamed. Sexuality was the one area of my life where I felt I really had no idea what was going on.
Then one day, I had a powerful realization. After a time of deep introspection, I realized that there were two differing aspects of myself which were in serious conflict over sexuality. I became aware that I had what I named a “monk self” and a “horny self.” And I knew that these two had major problems with each other.
Monk self represented my deep, spiritual aspect which, if given the choice, would have me remain celibate for the rest of my life and focus strictly on spirituality. Horny self, on the other hand, loved when the hormones raged in my body. He wanted me to experience the ecstatic pleasures of playing sexually with women. As I explored these two distinct parts of myself, I realized that a longstanding conflict between these two had been running (and sometimes ruining) my relationship life. This clearly was the root of my sexual confusion.
As I further explored these two aspects, I saw that the horny self part of me, though not always pure in his intentions, was willing to explore sexuality from a place of depth, and to bring spirituality into the picture. He got quite frustrated, however, when many times monk self would lay down the law and not allow him to surrender to the pleasure and joys of sexuality.
Many times when I found myself attracted to an interesting woman, monk self would convince me to back off from any sexuality, as this could easily end in another story of high drama and throw me off my spiritual path. Monk self was not totally against horny self, but he certainly did not trust him when the hormones were raging.
So for the first time in my life, I literally invited these two aspects of myself to dialog with each other. With my conscious self serving as referee, I invited these two to an internal dialog and mediation. I reminded them both of my deepest intention, which is to choose what is best and most empowering for everyone involved in all situations.
Monk self said he didn’t really trust that horny self shared that intention. Horny self admitted that he could get distracted at times, but said he did truly share that deep intention. In fact, he asked monk self to work together with him to remind him whenever he got distracted.
As I facilitated dialog between these two opposing parts of myself, for the first time in my life, they communicated openly and agreed to try to work together to do what was most empowering for all. Monk self said he wasn’t sure how much he could trust horny self, but that he was willing to give it a try.
From that day on, my sexual life became much more balanced and fulfilling. I made a deep commitment to get involved only with women who had a strong spiritual base and who would be willing to open to higher guidance when we hit challenges.
As I then explored this new way of being with women, monk self came to trust horny self more and more to the point where they even became friends. In fact, now, they are best buddies. I am absolutely thrilled that the confusion around my sexuality that I experienced for so many years has now shifted to a deep trust and understanding.
Since that powerful realization and the awesome conversation between these two parts of myself, my sexuality and relationships with women have gone on to be incredibly rich and fulfilling. I no longer experience the high drama of my past and have come to understand my sexuality in a way I might have never thought possible.
I now find friends asking me for advice in relationships and sexuality. And I can even be playful with my sexuality, knowing monk self and horny self have learned how to play and trust each other. So now I get to feel deep and connected, yet I also I get to surrender to the incredible fun and joys of luscious sexuality with partner. Yummm!!!
- Take an inventory of places in your sexual life or even other areas of life where you have a lot of confusion or frustration. See if you can identify conflicting aspects of yourself around these. Explore any beliefs or desires you have that are in opposition.
- Once you’ve identified conflicting aspects of yourself, set aside a special time and place to invite them to dialog as you mediate between them. Find how they differ as well as what they have in common. Look for areas in which they might work together.
- Talk with friends and family about what you’ve found and ask for input and suggestions. This way we can all help each other to have more harmonious lives, relationships, and better sex.
Written by the founder of this website
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